With 253 million internet users, China has surpassed the United States for the most citizens on-line. This has been causing massive delays on China’s one approved website.

Rudy Giuliani is apparently suing Duke University for kicking his son Andrew off the golf team. The former mayor called the coach to remind him how well his son had performed on the back 9. 11 9-11 9-11 9-11 9-11 9-11.

John McCain had a dark spot removed from his face for a biopsy. Racist.

Matthew Broderick was caught cheating on his longtime wife, Sarah Jessica Parker. She caught him when she noticed that the snoring body sleeping next to her was a dummy. Doodum dow dow. Chick chicka chickaahh.

A new study says that in one-third of married households, the woman is making the highest salary. The only explanation? Lesbian weddings are really catching on fast.

Barack Obama’s short list of potential running mates includes Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius. A woman whose State Board of Education does not believe in evolution will be running on the democratic ticket. McCain will be running with Michael Moore.

Raul Castro, the new president of Cuba, gave a speech in Havana this week, during which he said we need to “get ready for hard times.” Adding, “In other words, nothing is changing. We all still live in Cuba.”

This week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called George W Bush’s presidency a “total failure,” joining America.

While everyone was watching the new Batman movie this weekend, it seemingly went unnoticed that “Mama Mia” actually raked in the the seventh highest grossing opening weekend in history for an ABBA themed movie.

John McCain apparently wrote an article for the New York Times as a rebuttal to an article Barack Obama had written, but McCain’s piece was rejected. Most likely because it focused almost solely on the subtleties of shuffleboard and how curious cats can be.

Al Gore laid out a dare to the next president to use only renewable energy within ten years. Both Barack Obama and John McCain responded by saying, “Umm, I’ll take truth.”

Thousands waited in line for the second-generation iPhone. Customers believed there was a glitch with the phone’s calendar, until they realized that they did, in fact, lose a day of their lives. AT&T and AOL, two of the world’s largest internet providers, removed all child pornography sites from their servers this week. Well, it was fun while it lasted, huh?

A missile test in Iran was apparently a fake: missiles were added to the photo after the test to make it seem as though there had been more missiles than there actually were. But still, it does confirm Israel’s very real belief that Iran has indeed been developing photoshop.

The cover of New York Magazine this week depicts Barack Obama and his wife Michelle as flag-burning terrorists. Obama’s campaign responded by saying “The cartoon was tasteless and offensive, and we will now being putting a jihad on New York Magazine.”

Former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre announced his retirement in March, but then decided to play again this year, and has asked to be released by the Packers. He received celebratory calls from John Kerry and John McCain for “making flip flopping cool again.”

With falling stock prices, Starbucks announced this week that it will be closing 600 of its stores. Between 42nd and 51st street.

Controversial Senator Jesse Helms died this week. Known for his right wing views and pro-segregation past, Helms could have survived longer, but his doctors said the senator only wanted help from his white blood cells.

At 41 years old, Dara Torres became the oldest Olympic swimmer in American history this week. Unfortunately, she later tested positive for the performance enhancing substance, Activia.

Today is the 80th anniversary of the invention of sliced bread. Well that’s the best thing since-oh.

A new survey says that 21% of atheists claim that they believe in God. The same study says that 21% of atheists do not own a dictionary.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton finally met this week in the fitting town of Unity, New Hampshire. Later, the duo will meet in the town of Please Forget All Those Terrible Things I Said, Maryland.

The Supreme Court overturned a ban on handguns in Washington DC this week by a 5-4 vote. Justice Kennedy explained his vote by citing the intentions of the constitutional framers and the fact that Justice Scalia had a gun to his head.

It was announced this week that the average age of television watchers is now 50 years old. In response, HBO will be airing “God I really don’t feel like having Sex and that City.”

Citing major terrorist attacks during the first year of both Clinton’s and Bush’s presidencies, Joe Lieberman predicted there will be another terrorist attack in 2009. Yeah, cuz that’s the old stereotype about terrorists: reliable and predictable.

This week marks the hundredth anniversary of the invention of the SOS signal. To celebrate, Ham Radio Operators everywhere will be - . .-.. .-.. .. -. –. / — ..-. ..-. / -.-. — .-.. — .-. / .-. .- -.. .. — / .— — -.- . … (HR operators everyone laugh knowingly.)

The Scottish Government has blamed inaccurate websites such as Wikipedia for falling test scores this week. Said one student, “This is just like when the Jews blamed the Brazilians for causing the Bubonic Plague in the 1970s.”

Terrible floods have struck Iowa this week. The floods will last 40 days and 40 nights, said Midwest high school science teachers.

British singer/party girl Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with emphysema. I assume they will try to make her go to rehab, or else she will die die die.

A dog with one eye and three legs won the annual “World’s Ugliest Dog” competition, edging out several other dogs and my ex-girlfriend’s soul.

By 2015, 17% of Americans will have had plastic surgery, or 85% of people named Joan Rivers will be plastic surgery.

Broadway’s 62nd annual Tony Awards were held on Sunday. The biggest winners were “South Pacific” and “August Osage County,” while the biggest losers, for the 62nd straight year, were straight women trying to find dates.

Five years after being attacked on stage, Siegfried and Roy welcomed five new tigers to their menagerie in Las Vegas, the most expensive of which was an African golfer that won that U.S. Open this weekend.

Democratic lawmakers gave 165 billion dollars to the Bush administration this week for the next year of the war in Iraq. With that money, we could just give every Iraqi citizen about 6,000 dollars. Chew on that.

A group of four women in Florida have been dressing up as nurses, and then mugging senior citizens outside of a Wal-Mart. That’s the kind of naughty nurse this guy likes.

This week heralded the hundredth anniversary of the invention of the teabag. To celebrate, the president of Lipton will have a hundred employees dip their balls in his mouth.

The Puerto Rican Pride Parade came through New York this week. Unfortunately, the otherwise joyous events was protested by the Jets.

Two men scaled the 52 story New York Times building this week in order to raise money for malaria. A third climber was supposed to climb for global warming, but pulled out due to the heat wave.

Scientists have figured out a way to clone hair follicles, which will eliminate baldness within five years. Unfortunate side effects include Vin Diesel looking way less awesome.

George W. Bush said this week that he regrets his legacy as a warmonger. No word yet on his legacy as a stupid dumbass.

The ashes of Kurt Cobain disappeared this week. Police are looking first in Courtney Love’s nostrils.

Warner Brothers has reported that 85% of the audience for the opening weekend of “Sex and the City: The Movie” was ladies. The other 15%: drunk chicks from Long Island.

Barack Obama clinched the Democratic nomination, prompting Hillary Clinton to finally pull out of the race. And run for president of Puerto Rico.

To cut costs, Coors has begun brewing their beer at the Miller brewery in the Midwest, prompting them to change their slogan to “Tap the Lake Michigan.”

To save money on fuel, American Airlines has decided to ground its 747’s. The planes will not be allowed to watch TV or hang out with their friends.

A court in Scotland has ruled that an ex-convict is no longer allowed to make sexual advances on women any time he is under the influence of alcohol. Or as they call it in Scotland: any time.

Professional racecar driver Danica Patrick crashed her car during a disappointing day at the Indianapolis 500 this past weekend. Forensic experts say the reason for the crash: She has a vagina.

The Blind Person Society of America is filing a class-action suit against the US Treasury, claiming that paper money discriminates against them. Also saying money discriminates against them? Poor people.

An unmanned Japanese train station has been using a cat as its station master, paying it in food rather than money. Japanese transit authorities say the feline’s public service announcements are more intelligible than those of the New York Subway system.

California recently overturned its ban on gay marriage. To reflect this change, the state flag of California will now show a bear and a twink.

The nation of Estonia held its first internet election this week. “This is a proud day for our country,” said the president of the country formerly known as Stonia.

When the founders of this great country set out to form a “more perfect union,” what did they mean? More perfect than what? A “10″ in Olympic gymnastics? An “A+” on a term paper? Canada?

Here we are, in 2008, 232 years after some men with quills signed their names on a piece of parchment. Overall, things are pretty good. But it doesn’t mean that everything in the world is perfecter than John Adams’ wildest dreams. I mean, his alcoholism is on display weekly on HBO.

Every Wednesday, come watch the silliest, weirdest, and imperfectest news stories come to life in New York City’s Times Square. If the news breaks, the New York Times will report it. CNN will discuss it. We dance it.