The Scottish Government has blamed inaccurate websites such as Wikipedia for falling test scores this week. Said one student, “This is just like when the Jews blamed the Brazilians for causing the Bubonic Plague in the 1970s.”

Terrible floods have struck Iowa this week. The floods will last 40 days and 40 nights, said Midwest high school science teachers.

British singer/party girl Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with emphysema. I assume they will try to make her go to rehab, or else she will die die die.

A dog with one eye and three legs won the annual “World’s Ugliest Dog” competition, edging out several other dogs and my ex-girlfriend’s soul.

By 2015, 17% of Americans will have had plastic surgery, or 85% of people named Joan Rivers will be plastic surgery.